Awakening/Epiphany (History)
This page summarizes my history and the stages I went through with gender and understanding who I am.
I’ve had at least 50 nicknames over my life, 10 or so of which stood out as name-worthy labels for some amount of time, to replace the name I was given at birth, because that wasn’t the right name. Having a name that fits you means that you never feel weird when people say it. I was looking for a new name not just so I could feel unseen, anonymous, and invisible, but because I wanted to see, know, and understand myself, which I felt I could not do if I was not labeled properly. (Side note: It turns out I'm autistic, and I felt I needed to be "categorized" correctly to understand my own context.)
I’m not going to try to put them in chronological order because that feels impossible, but as well as I can remember, I kept these names for at least two years: Shelly, Suzy Q, Sweep, Amarie, Lola, June, Ladybug, Mimi, and finally M, when I just gave up trying to find names and wanted to stop and think about it. This is around the time I started having gender identity thoughts too.
(Some people still use Sweep, Ladybug, and Mimi and I’m totally cool with that.)
I’ve felt weird inside my body since childhood, especially as a teenager. I thought everyone did or maybe more realistically it didn’t matter to me whether or not anyone else did because I was so overwhelmed by the sensory experience of learning to deal with all sounds, sights, smells, tastes, etc., and feelings. Like probably many undiagnosed neurodivergent children.
As a kid and teen I was pulled between school and home and hobbies and spending enough time with friends and boyfriends and it felt sort of like I was whisked from one thing to the next without much control. I was exposed to experiences with gender identity exploration through zines and websites, but I didn’t look into it much about myself. Too much going on, too much to think about already. While MANY of my other friends were feeling similar things, none of us were talking to each other about it (sadly).
In my young 20s, I decided “gender doesn’t matter.” I knew something was off and I probably wasn’t experiencing gender the way most of my peers were, but I didn’t care enough. This continued on through until 2020 when suddenly I was at home all the time and couldn’t ignore any of my issues that were distracted by activities involving other people.
Like with many people, the Stay at Home order during the pandemic created a unique time period where I had to address truths about myself. It surfaced a lot of crap I’d been smushing down. I explored a lot personally and in therapy after 2020 that I had never addressed before in my life, including my gender identity.
In 2021, I started using she/they pronouns, but quickly realized I was only offering “she” as a bridge to make it easier for other people. Before fall ended I went around and let everyone know about the update to drop the she, I don't know her. Only my family and close friends knew at this point, and people I interact with regularly. I found Max and ended the year trying on this new name.
I came out to all my friends and family between September 2021 and March 2022. I told everyone at work and updated my “preferred name” and pronouns everywhere I could.
I wanted to try it on. I did not want to go through the government name change process for a name I only tried for a few months. It turns out my intuition was right (win!) and now my passport says, in animated flaming letters, MAX CRUNCH.
That goal worked out because before I could start name change, I had to go through a year of rest because I was #DoingTooMuch and I burnt out.
In March 2023 I laid out my plan and started collecting information on what I needed to complete the legal name change, then finally in Nov 2023, I got the court order approved. I recruited a friend to get me to the courthouse and be my check-in champion throughout the process. That initiated an energy that I carried until Feb 2024, when I totally burnt out from all that government process.
I finally finished in June 2024!
I don't feel weird in my body anymore.
Things that have stood out reading journals and reflection over my lifetime:
- Introducing myself: I never knew what to say because I “felt like my name sticker got lost in the mail and my parents used one they had ready just in case someone else came out." I didn’t want to give them my real name but I didn’t have another name to give them. I was using a different name online everywhere.
- People who use your name a lot: It’s not bad now that I know which name to use but before it was very irritating hearing my given name that often and associated with me. This wasn't an issue until I got a professional job; there are so many talkers who love using your name a lot.
- Pre name change (preferred name, telling people): It was very difficult for me because identity and saying my name has ALWAYS BEEN SO WEIRD so I have NO PRACTICE WHATSOEVER. When I meet other queer people they say it and it reminds me to say it, “my pronouns are they/them.” I can even say it after they say it and we all are fine with that. In every other social situation I forget or I hesitate if I remember.
- Gender identity exploration and tacos led me to new name: Exploring non–binary, I needed to find a non-binary name to try on for a while - my first name trial fit and everyone loved it and said it was perfect. Max didn't come from anywhere specific. I was trying to think of names that started with M and I thought of that one. I got my middle name from the side of a box of taco shells (Max CRUNCH!)