About me

Before I made this site I did a ton of research and while I was going through my wayback machine internet history, I found lots of “about” pages I had written over the years. When I started, I kept personal sites like everyone else - info “about me” was splattered all over the site, so the “about me” page was thin on content. Later, my about me page became vague and contained a few facts about me, but nothing with too much depth.

I feel like I've been having an identity crisis my entire life, and in a lot of ways I have. I’ve been depressed, masking, and full of anxiety since I can remember. That made it really difficult to figure out how to describe myself. When people described me, I didn't recognize who they were talking about.

Nowadays the only time I describe myself is on dating apps and during icebreaker exercises at work. I’m not going to deviate from that. To keep the spirit of the late 90s/early 00s site, I’m going to use the tricks I used then: A list of 100 things about me and personality test results in different fonts/colors.

I don't have a Twitter, but I do like to write.

Crunch is my legal middle name.
I got my first cat in April 2023, Zenny. I’ve had dogs, bunnies, and hamsters in the past, but none I kept for their whole lives (except the hamsters that I later learned may not have been dead but in fact hibernating). My exes took some of them. I'll be keeping Zenny until she dies.
I’ve been to England once and I hope to go back someday, though I’d also like to go to Italy, Germany, Scotland, Ireland, Spain… and a whole bunch of other places in Europe that I can’t afford.
When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in Australia. Now I’d just like to go there sometime.
I hate carrying things.
I don’t need pillows to sleep, but prefer having one or two.
I have a tremor in my hands so I can’t drink caffeine that often (it makes the tremor worse and then it's harder to do basic stuff), though I love the smell of coffee.
I love eggnog.
I achieved my teenaged dream of being in the same room as Trent Reznor in 2018 when I saw Nine Inch Nails play at The Anthem in DC two nights in a row.
Death metal is the cutest music genre.
I think gifs are one of the greatest developments from the internet.
I’ve been biting my fingernails too low my whole life and I don’t know how to stop.
I love making webpages and I’m so excited to get back into this!
I didn’t learn how to read analog clocks when I was a kid (didn’t pay attention to those lessons) but I was forced to learn in my 20s so I could count down until class was over in college.
I have always had collections of things and in high school I collected cow things. I still have a few of my favorite plushes from that time, and they still have the candy raver beads on them. I was called in to the guidance counselor several times a year for appearing too lonely even though I had lots of friends at school. Carrying the stuffed animals worried the adults. (I’m almost 40 and I still keep plush around.)
My brother and I both took piano lessons when we were kids because our dad is a pianist (and good at it). My dad has a photographic memory and can play anything by ear (or if you play a song for him he can repeat it right then). I wasn’t immediately good at it so I quit after a few years.
I have always thought my dad was cute, even when I was a teenager. Now as an adult, I can see many of the things I love about him reflected in me.
I learned how to use Visual BASIC in middle school and write programs and make little games, it was a lot of fun. A teacher told me I could ‘go far in the field’ if I did some kind of program for freshmen, but I refused because I didn’t want to be around other people. (There are many times my life could have gone a different direction.)
I love filling out forms and surveys (and always have).
Rainbows remind me of Rainbow Brite before I think of pride, but pride is cool too!
One time in high school I was going to see the band Ours play with my boyfriend and his friends, so I prepared a glitter shirt using the “O” logo from the band, brought it, showed them, and had them sign it. I still have it somewhere. I can’t believe I had the audacity to do that kind of stuff when I was younger. Another time, in college, I brought Gavin Castleton peanut butter oatmeal chocolate chip cookies that looked like owls.
I have historically gotten frustrated very easily/quickly, but I’ve been learning how to regulate that feeling recently (I’m almost 40 - it’s never too late for anyone to #dobetter).
I begged for a joint birthday/Christmas gift and my parents got me a pretty deep blue Dean explorer guitar (one of those cool pointy ones the 80s metal bands used). I tried to learn guitar but it wasn’t my thing (sort of like piano – I wasn’t amazing right away and didn’t want to put the work in). I don’t know what to do with it, but I still have it.
After reading this, you still don’t know me half as well as you think you do.
In grade school I used to write down topic ideas and potential outlines for full research papers on social topics like “sustaining contact with “IRL” friends vs “online” friends.”
I kept several textbooks after high school/college and still have them. (I read textbooks sometimes.) I wish I had kept more history texts, though. I’m interested in seeing what was published and how it was presented to me –which side of the story did I learn and how much of it was made up by some dude or a misinterpreted translation since disproven?
I started using FTP in 2003 instead of managing websites in a file manager interface.
Pre-2000, envy.nu helped me exceed quickly in my webmastering career. I loved that the domain was cool and edgy like ‘envy.nu’ and not dumb and old like ‘geocities’ and that inspired me into lots of creativity. I still kept sites on geocities to be in the community, though.
I didn’t hear the “Purple Cow” poem until 11th grade so it’s not a significant part of my childhood. Apparently everyone grew up with this.
I wasn’t very good at adopting slang when I was younger and a lot of times I actually hated when people used it because it made it harder for me to understand them (since I didn’t use it or know what it meant). I use it more now as I’m much more loosey goosey about language use generally.
I got my license after everyone else my age and my whole life I’ve been telling myself the narrative that my mom said so, but recently learned that I actually told them I did not want to get a license until I needed to drive because “it seemed overwhelming to drive.” (It’s still very overwhelming to drive, though I like it.)
Like all kids/early teens in the 90s I had several eating disorders growing up and as an adult I developed a very unhealthy relationship with food. This is something I’m still working on, but I’m making really good progress feeling less guilty about enjoying certain foods, I don’t binge as much anymore, I can keep ice cream in my house for over a week…
One thing I learned from going through my old sites and the stuff I used to write is that I’ve spent my whole life being aware that I’m spending all my effort/energy on other people and leaving none for myself, but not ever actually choosing to prioritize myself. I’m glad I started prioritizing myself in my early 30s. My life has only gotten better since.
I’m not a huge fan of Christmas, but it’s growing on me as I get older and people keep dying. It seems like a good season for reconnecting with ghosts.
Halloween is my favorite holiday/season not just because IT’S HALLOWEEN but also because it’s the only time of year everyone is as excited as I am about spooky stuff.
My second favorite season is cherry blossom season which lasts about 3-4 weeks.
Fall/winter tie at a close third.
My dad’s brother married my mom’s sister, so I have two cousins that are basically siblings. One of them (closer in my age) has been my best friend my whole life, and I’m excited to pronounce my love for her on this site just as I did on my first personal site in 1998.
“Balance” has been my word since before the whole work/life balance thing became popular in my age group (late 20s or so), trying to find the balance between being social vs alone, writing vs reading, input vs output, play vs rest, and so on. I can’t say that I’ve ever found real balance in anything, in the sense that it’s hard to measure it all, but eventually my word became “sustainability.”
Having a word helps like that. There used to be a journal challenge I’d participate in every year where you’d pick a word for your year, then think about it and its meaning when you make decisions related to a certain topic. I remember one year my word was “revise” and I used it to edit a bunch of writing and start updating my life/daily processes. I made a lot of amazing improvements that year.
I spent my life 1998-2013 writing journals about my experience, trying to puzzle out what I think, how I feel, who I am, how other people work, how to communicate and exist in my different connections… I spent all that time posting online publicly for everyone to see it before I started honing in on creative sharing and keeping my thoughts private (through 2016). When they were private I posted less then eventually stopped altogether.
I’ve been in a near constant crisis mode since 2016 which renews itself every year or so. It’s probably because I stopped writing.
A lesson I learned at 28: You get some of your best ideas in the shower, so don’t be ashamed that you talk/sing to yourself.
I tend to have to learn the same lessons multiple times in my life because my memory is really, really terrible. After the third or fourth time I learn something, it starts to become more familiar and I feel more inspired for change, and less like 'this is the first time this has ever come up so let's see what happens with it.' This cycle has not been great for my mental health overall so a few years ago I started writing down all the stuff I learned each year in December.
UNLESS it's something I'm doing daily or nearly-daily, like work. Then I'm on top of it -- more on top of those things than anything else in my life. It can be very difficult to reflect on daily stuff because I'm so in the weeds, though.
When I was younger I kept a change of work clothes and a toothbrush in my car, just in case. Now I could easily go two weeks without even getting in my car. 2020 fucked up my momentum, but I'm getting a lot done at home.
I don’t hold regrets.
I'm non-binary but I didn't know until 2021 after spending my whole life struggling with it.
I found my new name (Max) shortly after 2021. It's like I needed the proper vocabulary to describe myself before I could name myself. (This is a fairy tale.) In 2023, I finally mustered the energy to legally change my name.
My cat and I are in love.
I made most of this site sitting in bed.
I've been playing drums since September 11, 2017.
I am REALLY good at staying hydrated since I implemented a carafe system. I use two carafes at once. I had to start with two in the fridge, but after that I have one out and one in. The one in the fridge is doing its magic potion settling that it needs to do since I'm drinking tap water. I figure, if you're supposed to let it sit for several hours before feeding it to a plant, then I probably want to let it sit for several hours before drinking it... plus this gives it time to get cold. The other carafe (now cold) sits outside the fridge and near wherever I am so I can get myself some water whenever I need it. It stays pretty cool for a while, but I don't mind room temperature water sometimes too.
This works very well because I'm lazy AF about moving around a bunch, and with my hand tremor it can sometimes be difficult to carry cups full of liquid long distances (say, from the kitchen to the living room). This makes it much easier to reach this need (hydration) quickly and with little effort.
I set up my home that way generally. For example: If you're sitting on the couch in the living room, you'll find blankets, the remote, charged Switch controllers, a place to put your feet or drink, an open USB plug (or my charger if you can use it), a small trash can, and an outlet. When I'm alone, also within reach is a pen/paper or journal, something to color with and on, dental floss (don't judge but I have to sit down when I do this), scissors, and something to read. These are all my essentials, things I want to have nearby so I can use them whenever I feel like it. My mom is like this too, but what makes up our essentials are VERY different.
Picking "favorites" is very difficult, but it's also kind of interesting. Everyone has different criteria for what makes something a favorite so when people ask for my favorites, I tell them, but I also ask what their criteria is. (Sometimes they can't answer right away and I love giving people questions that make them reflect on why they like something.)
Instead of "favorites" I have scripted lists that I update every five years or so. One of the reasons it's hard to pick favorites is because what I like is very context/mood dependent.
My criteria for favorites usually involve an emotion or sense of joy coupled with comfort/redo value. Something I want to experience again and again on repeat and every time I experience it, I love it. It's hard to pinpoint the criteria beyond that because there are so many different things to love about everything I love.
I'm a "spooky all year" person, which is different from a Halloween all year person in that I'm not into the holiday all year, just spooky stuff. Skeletons are a year-round thing, buddy. Ghosts haunt all the time, not just in October.
Aging doesn't scare me. When I was a kid it was clear to me that as I got older I'd understand myself and the way the world works more and more, so there was no reason to be upset about getting older. At nearly 40, this has turned out to be VERY TRUE.
I like to listen to podcasts where I learn things about how people work and why we are the way we are but by nature the types of people making those podcasts are curious about everything, so when they start exploring other stuff, the one I like always ends. It also often gets pulled offline before I can finish going through every episode.
I have like 2 good ideas per week that might make a little money in some marketable way (e.g., "pay what you want"), but I'm too unmotivated to do any of them and often forget them if I don't write them down. It makes me SO HAPPY to see when other people are making money off of similar ideas, it makes me feel like the universe recycled my idea to benefit someone else.
I'm excited to start adding some of those ideas on this site as free things. Like for example: zine templates to do "zine therapy" every month to explore topics related to your mental health, creative challenges and badges, etc.
When I was younger I was more narrow-minded and would get SO PISSED if I felt like someone was stealing my ideas. My dumbest story: As a teenager I kept a blog (as you do) and had a "question of the day" webring feature on my site. I was HORRIFIED when I saw a few other sites with this concept. How DARE they steal my idea and not credit me?!!? ... (as if 'question of the day' was an extremely original idea, as if others couldn't have had that idea on their own...) I can be very clueless sometimes.
I later found out about the concept of "uncopyright" and then started working in education so I became much more open about sharing ideas and resources and now I don't care if people steal my ideas as long as they don't turn around and accuse me of stealing their ideas, which they stole from me in the first place. No. Let's share our ideas. Collaborate and improve on each other's ideas!
Instead of a full Christmas tree, I get small tabletop trees. I have one with a santa hat and eyes that sings and another spooky dead tree that holds my Halloween, then later Christmas ornaments. My mom also gave me a white vintage ceramic tree with red lights. Next on my list is a goth Lego tree but I have a few other Lego projects before I get there.
I have an 8 foot skeleton that sits with me in the living room and a 5 foot skeleton that sits with me in the car. I do not live alone.
I keep a square black sign in my living room where I can update the white letters, and it serves as a reminder -- whatever I need reminding of in that moment. I started with SLOW DOWN, then WRITE IT DOWN, and now it says MANAGE.
I try to collect as much original art as I can, which includes both buying originals (instead of prints) and commissioning artists to create something specific. I've had a wide array of experiences and many people were extremely hard to work with. My biggest advice for people selling art is: Be professional. You're offering a service, not making a friend (even if you also make a friend it's still a service). Ensure you're active and communicative throughout the entire process from beginning to end: Initiating the conversation, payment schedule/expectations, in-progress work, review/corrections, receipt of final artwork (full version). Your customer should not have to follow up with you after no contact at any point in this timeline.
Also, assume your customer wants the art in print quality (high resolution). Ask if they plan to print it higher than a standard size (e.g., 11x17) and charge extra if needed.
Luckily I've only had poor experiences a few times and most of the artists haven't tried to guilt me into buying more art after I already told them I went over my budget, but it's so discouraging and makes me hesitant to work with smaller artists, which is sad.
I saw the "great American eclipse" in August 2017 and now I'm HOOKED. I don't always get out to see every eclipse, but I crave that feeling in those 5 mins before, during, and immediately after. The build up, almost totally mental and filled with the physical tension of everyone around you anticipating this moment. The moment, when everything goes still, the bugs stop making noise, it's twilight in the middle of the day and no one is breathing. It passes and there's cheer all around, we are so happy to have witnessed this moment here together, and oh by the way nothing interesting is happening after this so let's go home. Everyone packs up and leaves. It's so weird.
I love writing, have always loved writing, and wish my life could become more and more increasingly consumed by writing like it's the horror monster and I'm the final girl.
I love Legos and I'm in the process of building a Lego train seasonal scene that includes a small mountain for summer camping (because I want my train to go through a tunnel), a winter town, bonsai en park in the spring, and a fall haunted trail. There's also a Lego store and a noodle shop and I'm going to build one of my favorite night clubs in DC. I'll probably make a shrine later.
I am a plant killer, I have a fully black thumb. I try my best, but generally kill plants within 3 months of keeping them. I've been getting the Lego botanical sets instead and add pops of color and the suggestion of floral things using the sunflowers and roses instead.
I am also very fond of fake remote controlled LED candles over regular candles. I do use scented candles sometimes but it's the light atmosphere I like more than the fire hazard/fragrance... and also I'm so forgetful and try not to burn candles at night.
I love shaped paperclips so I use arrows and airplanes and stars, etc. I've been doing this for so long that I always forget they're a different shape so when people point it out I get confused.
I use my stickers on life/self-care bingo pages and calendars for achievements. It's better than not using them at all. I collect the pages and look at them all later. I see the stickers and I also see all this stuff I did to take care of myself or keep up with a habit.
Die cut paper is my least favorite decor type but it's always SO COOL looking and CHEAP so I have a lot of it.
I have a Tiffany lamp. It doesn't work, I don't know why... just randomly stopped working. I still love it so I will keep it as a display item forever.
My second most expensive lamp involved a commissioned lampshade and features images from the movie The Brain That Wouldn't Die (1962). The base was like $10 but I wish it was fancier.
I usually buy my lamps from the kids section at Target. My favorites are one with a lightning bolt shade and another with an airplane base. Most of my standing floor lamps were hand-me-downs.
I grew up around gamers and make friends with gamers easily, but I wouldn't necessarily consider myself a gamer. I like games and watching them, and understanding how it "works" -- how the story fits with the actions the player is choosing. I sometimes like playing a few games (Monster Hunter, Animal Crossing, Taiko drum games, Mario Kart, etc.) so I am a gamer of those games! But basically, if you don't play the games I play, we're not playing games together. Gaming isn't a hobby, Monster Hunter is.
My parents are very cool.
I have 6 tattoos, though one of them is a full sleeve on my left arm and the rest are the size of my hand or smaller.
I want to get pedicures but I have intense anxiety about going alone and also they're expensive.
I'm not "sober" but I also don't drink (much). Maybe once a year. Maybe. Part of this is because I am old and my body doesn't tolerate it like it used to.
I am not good at following recipes but I'm pretty okay with cooking. When I have the patience to follow a recipe, I bake instead (that's when it counts the most). I'm pretty okay with making food that tastes good but not ever replicating it again.
My favorite number is 28.
I was bit by a dog when I was a kid and that turned me off of dogs for a long time and then we got a dog at home and I warmed up to them, but never fully got over it until I met my nephew-dog. I just needed to spend time with dogs, but animals made me just as nervous as people did.
When I was a kid we had woods in the backyard which my brother and I (and neighborhood friends) would explore and play in all the time. I remember thinking that it was definitely a fairy forest or some kind of magical place and having play-stories with my friends about it. Now I have a neighborhood park nearby and feel the same, except the fairies are more sinister and I'm 99% sure they want to trap and devour me.
I was on a bowling league when I was in middle school. It will probably end up becoming my hobby after I retire.
Like anything where you require control of your hands and lower arms, bowling is very difficulty for me due to my tremor. It's also really good for me, if I kept up with it. Consistent physical acticity strengthens the muscles which can make the tremor easier to manage. (Drumming has a similar effect.)
I love traveling but have a hard time going to the same place more than once. There has to be someone there, or something pulling me back there, to get me back! Otherwise, I don't see the point. There are so many new places to explore and I'm not rich enough to go to all of them more than once.
I have a small handful of friends. I've always been the kind of person who has 1-2 friends in multiple contexts, rather than one giant group of friends who all know each other. Instead, I get adopted in to other people's friends groups as a casual participant, mostly there to bond with my friend but happy to get to know more people too. Then I do the same with a different friend and their group.
I am a 'slow paced friend' in that you have to measure our connection over the last 3.5 months, not over the last three days. We probably haven't talked in a week, but if you look back on the season you see all the joy we brought each other and how much care is taken to be a meaningful presence in each other's lives.
When people expect me to be a 'fast paced friend' they often feel I'm not taking 50/50 effort and then we end up in this weird acquaintance/casual friend place. It's very difficult for me to maintain "casual" friendships with people this way, so I don't seek out new friends very often. By nature I'm sort of a loner. I'm not interested in talking to people daily.
I'm a really bad friend in the traditional sense of what it means to 'be a friend.' I'm very selfish with where I put my focus and energy, and most of the time it's on myself and my own intellectual or creative pursuits. I am okay with this. If people really need me and I'm not burnt out, I'm there for them, but generally I spend most of my life experience simply trying to manage existence so it's hard to be an amazing friend on top of that. I do my best to stay consistent with communicating how invested I am in people, even if I don't always show it. (This is one of the reasons why I love writing letters.)
I was never a very good "best friend" when I was a kid either. My friends got mad at me for inconsistent energy all the time, which made sense -- I didn't know that was happening so to them it just seemed like I was ignoring them for no reason.
I didn't start drinking until I was 26 and I'm grateful. It wasn't a goal to wait that long, I just wasn't interested until then. It may have helped me with social things and keeping friends had I started earlier, but whatever. I am glad to know that any way I was fucked up before age 26 is not related to drugs or alcohol.
BONUS! Zenny very patiently waited for me to finish the last 20 items on this list even though she wanted attention and I wasn't giving it to her exactly in that moment. She will be so excited to gain access to my lap again.

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