write about evolution and devolution. how do we unravel & re-ravel? think about what histories our bodies & communities & species & worlds are made of.
When I woke up, I was a girl.
Or at least I thought I was.
I was an ordinary, quiet girl.
I liked collecting nice rocks, stories, Halloween decor, Care Bears, and stickers.
I built an identity around things I loved: music, books, mythology, cows, monsters, and writing.
I liked the quiet and I liked to be alone.
Many days later I woke up unsure.
I’d learned some new terms I didn’t know before.
I was an ordinary, quiet person.
I liked collecting books, art, maps, concert posters, and ghosts.
I built an identity around things I loved: music, books, men, web design, and writing.
I liked the quiet and I liked to be alone.
A while later, I woke up confused.
I read some things and saw myself in them.
I was extraordinary. I had a voice. I became angry.
I stopped collecting; I had too much stuff.
My identity broke down. It felt like chaos. I stopped writing.
I liked the quiet and I liked to be alone.
A few years ago, I woke up understanding.
I saw myself in the mirror for the first time.
I was extraordinary, but I felt small.
I started collecting again, it is part of who I am. First it was plush frogs with weird expressions, then it was Halloween decor.
I didn’t know who I was, but I still looked for them.
I preferred the quiet and I preferred to be alone.
Today I woke up sick.
I’ve been sick before, it’s not a big deal.
Despite that, I felt comfortable in my skin. I know who I am now.
I collect stories, Lego sets, original art, weird plush, soft blankets, and monsters.
I know my name now. I’m building an identity around traits I’ve always had and trace pieces of myself that I’ve finally recognized.
I am the quiet. I have a cat now so I’m never alone.
I spent my early years puzzling the things I recognized about myself into a person.
I spent my 20s taking it apart. It unraveled so fast.
It took no effort at all to destroy what I thought I was.
In my 30s I found better words to use. I picked up the threads and pulled them back together, leaving aside the ones that didn’t fit.
I’ll enter my 40s with owned secrets, long-term goals for the first time in my life, and enough stability to trust that I can be who I want to be.