Can we explore the weird grief and feeling that comes from realizing that the last few people that you said I love you too, you only loved because of how you were reflected in them, not because of their specific qualities. and it's not really embarrassment or shame
but you do feel kind of bad because you had such a big feeling that you mistranslated and then miscommunicated,
and you also feel kind of sad for yourself that you couldn't see those wonderful things inside you but you could see it in someone else reflected as you, and feeling some sense of growth especially because some of those people were definitely bad for you and so you feel a little better processing and understanding that you weren't attracted to that side of them, or that you maybe less got pulled in by their charm and more got pulled in by your own charm, as it presented with them, so it's just a weird jumble of feelings. and in my case, one of them was probably a really fucking decent person but due to a bunch of other things that are not even related to this it just didn't work out and every time you look back you wonder what would have happened if all of those things didn't take place or fall in place during that time,
but at the end of the day, what you loved about them is what they brought out in you.
it's such a weird feeling, conflict and love and confusion and joy and loss and sitting with yourself now and yourself 5 years ago all of the mixture of past and present and it's just a weird feeling and you can't put a name to it.