Did I not make any other posts in Feb besides my January review!? Well, I wrote many drafts, so perhaps those will percolate out over the next few months.

Here is what February 2026 brought me:

  • I found a farm in my area that does a CSA (community-supported agriculture) program. I walked away with a sample box from their last delivery which included a month's worth of vegetables for me (since I live alone). I didn't use it all and ended up giving some away to family before it went bad.
  • We had snow pretty much all month after the late January storm and it was very nice since I like snow.
  • Therapy has been pretty productive and has given me a lot to think about. We're tackling hard-hitting stuff like my people-pleasing tendencies, accepting help due to disability, friends that hurt me but don't take feedback, and noticing environmental factors that stress me out (but which I easily ignore).
  • I was sick on/off all month, partially due to myself hurting myself (eating foods I'm intolerant to), but mostly due to extremes in weather. When the seasons are about to change nature likes to do hot/cold days back and forth and it wrecks my body. There are a few months out of the year when I am just useless because of this - I'll have a handful of "on" days but most will be off.
  • I've been learning GitHub and February brought great strides there. Still figuring it out but I've got the basics down! I also started to set up my digital garden using Quartz, which uses a component-based setup. I'm familiar with that due to work things but not in development (since I'm not a developer at work). It's been fun and frustrating trying to figure out what I need to change where to achieve certain things.
  • Lots of big changes at work that produced lots of thoughts, things I'm still percolating, but which I'll probably use this blog to discuss and decompress about. Spoilers: My work bestie whom I started with in 2013 was moved to a different department (as we are conjoined twins, this was a terrible separation), and we're using AI. We're required to use AI, I should say. Nearly everyone working in tech is hitting a big decision about survival vs principles and I'm no exception. Do we influence from within or do we risk livelihood and leave? (Cue The Clash.) Some people can afford to "just quit" but I am not one of those people.
  • Because of my body sicknesses I didn't do many walks throughout the month, but I did find many small coffee shops to visit that offer gluten free treats! This is something I've been doing for a year or so - trying to find places that I can eat and then I'll just stop going to those other places with my favorite foods. I haven't built up my "gluten free options" repertoire because there weren't many, but new ones appear every year.
  • I made a billion zines. I mean, more like 5. But February was a Big Zine Energy month, and I hope to continue that into March.
  • I had a few hangouts with friends that reminded me that I'm a cool person who is grounded in good values. Calling back to the therapy bullet: Since I'm having years-long troubles getting respect from 1 person, it feels good to be reminded that I'm not the problem. I hate ending friendships though I wonder if I'm not protecting myself by sticking around.
  • Even though I never practice, I am getting noticeably better at drums! I only play at lessons (which you can consider practice but it's barely weekly), but it's clear I'm at a higher level than I was even just a few months ago. I'm picking stuff up faster and my body remembers things when my brain doesn't. It's nice to be good at something.
  • Work isn't all bad. We have artistic and creative opportunities abounds, and this month I got to figure out how to improve communications for a team that has had stale processes for almost a decade. Repetitive emails to people who don't read them! So the manager put on a contest (and invited me to participate) on how to improve the emails and freshen up the look&feel. I set something up in SharePoint using News posts that would allow for "prettier" emails, but also an archive of things sent for bookmarking/review. No one can claim they couldn't find the email when they also have a page on a site that blasts the emails visibly.
  • I only watched 1 TV show all month: Supernatural. I started it last year, watched 9 seasons, then stopped. Picked back up in Season 10 this year, so I've been watching through that. It seems a lot of people really abhor this show, even if they haven't watched it. I've never heard so many mean comments about something I enjoy.

Calico cat looking surprised and curious on the couch
My Zenny

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Going My Own Pace

I probably don't have enough time or energy to properly subject you to how many memes, TikToks, blog posts, social media screenshots, are.na images, and articles brought me to this conclusion, but the heart of the pandemic taught me one thing: I won't get anywhere fast if I keep trying to fit into the "expected" pace of life.

For one, I work in tech, where everything moves very quickly. For two, I'm a moderate-energy person. And third, I like being alone and I have low social needs.

When you put these 3 together, what you get is someone who lives in contrast: At work, I'm on top of things. I read about trends, I learn to understand as stuff happens, and I am very actively involved. Outside of work, I am a person who has NEVER pressured themselves to keep up. At work, I must stay incredibly organized to keep track of everything. Outside of work, I prefer not to have things to keep track of. (I don't even have a clock in my house, other than digital devices that come with them. My stove and microwave are blinking from the last power outage months ago. I don't need to know the time when I'm in the kitchen; I can use countdown timers.)

The Myth of "Wrongness"

There have been times in my life that I've desired more, of course. Nights where I was lonely. Weekends where I wish I had something fast-paced and new and exciting to do. But in my life, that kind of stuff is usually isolated to some nights and rare weekends. Most of the time, I'm happy to be alone and engaged in slow living.

I'm an introvert with a rich inner life. I have 1 billion thoughts per minute. Being social has all kinds of rules I don't understand and the payoff is only sometimes worth it (always worth if we already know each other, sometimes worth it if we don't yet).

Frankly, for the longest time I thought that this mismatch in pacing was anxiety. Folks like to tell you something is "wrong" with you when you're acting out of the ordinary... I'm anti-social. I have social anxiety. I'm a weird loner. I need to work on it, to improve it. I need to get out more and be more social, otherwise I'm going to die alone.

Sometimes I do have social anxiety, but it's only ever in anticipation of how people will react to who and how I am. When I was younger, trying to fit in and be what they wanted me to be, I was miserable all the time. I wasn't myself. The person they liked was a shadow of me, something I made up so they'd be happy. When I'm myself they write stories about me and believe them, rather than listening to what I say. I have anxiety, I'm disordered, I just need to work on it and then I'll meet their needs better later. "Disordered" is easier to handle than "different needs," I guess.

Recharge vs Alone Time

I've been thinking about it a lot recently because I've settled pretty well into my paces in the last few years, post-pandemic (I know COVID is still rampant, but the pandemic is over). It conflicts with the general expectation that things "opened back up" and everyone "went back to normal."

I had zero intention of "going back to normal." In 2019 (and before) I was burnt out, self-destructive, hated myself and my life, and serving the needs of others before tending to my own. I went out when I was exhausted because it was "normal." I ignored my needs to spend time in solitude when someone else had more "pressing" needs for socialization. I even let people convince me that because I lived alone, I got enough "recharge time." (Alone time is NOT the same as recharge time.)

Here's the thing: I'm not anti-social and I'm not going to die alone. I am surrounded by friends, family, and community resources. I have no problem talking to people and I'm good at it. I'm not afraid to do it, I just don't. If the vibes seem temporary, I love engaging in conversations with strangers. If someone seems hungry for a new friend, I don't engage because I will not be able to deliver. I feel socially fulfilled seeing one person a month; right now I'm seeing several. That's more than enough! I don't need to hang out more often.

I am a weird loner, but I don't need to work on it. That's just how I am, and it's only "weird" because people see that as weird. For some, it comes natural and it's how they prefer to live. I do need to get out more, but only because I spend too much time inside. Not for any specific social element. I need more Vitamin D and movement in my life.

Thriving in the Slow Lane

Embracing my personal and natural pace has made my life more thrilling. I've THRIVED these last few years. My growth is sustainable - I'm not on/off and up/down as much anymore. I don't care anymore if I "lag behind." I don't need to be fast or available. I need silence and stillness.

I killed the desire to meet expectations and as a result I finally found the energy to meet my own. I'm not "fixing" myself anymore; I'm living at my natural speed and loving it.

Links & Things

Here are some links I collected throughout the month to share with you.

On current events (many about AI):

Cool stuff:

My February activity online: