I am due a January in review post, but my method of note-taking is kind of intense right now as I try to work it out. Instead of having a list of points, ideas, and events to reference for this post like I had hoped, I have five weeks of links that I collected in addition to a bunch of rants and emotional outbursts.
Well, no one said habit building would be easy. Also, it has been an extremely emotionally charged month. I will try my best here, but I can't make any promises that this will be coherent. My review posts will probably get better as I move through the year.
I don't even remember the beginning of the month, I'll be honest. Around the 15th I got my shit together and started my summary, and I'm glad I did that because that seems like years ago and I could not piece together anything about January 1st through January 19th if I tried to do it today.
It's been really stressful particularly since the 19th. I mean it was stressful before that but I've got to be honest, it's been a lot to process in America. I think almost anyone who might possibly be reading this understands what I am saying and I do not need to get into it. Just for a moment, I want to step away from that and sit under some blankets in a little fort where I cuddle with my cat and journal about a moment in my life.
What I might pull out as my biggest successes this month are the following:
I started Season 2 of Zine Therapy, converting it from a monthly practice into a seasonal practice.
- Winter ZT has been successful so far, at least in terms of keeping up with it. I literally just started in December so I don't expect to have any major breakthroughs yet, but I do feel pretty good about how awful today was and what I can do about it going forward so that's nice.
- I've been using obsidian to journal instead of Google Docs and it's facilitating a flow of reflection that I haven't used before, so that's interesting and I'm curious to see how that evolves throughout the year.
I've been doing well keeping up with my small creative goals.
- I made a list of all the ideas I've had recently and it's been therefore easier to remember that I have ideas.
- I made a page for my minizine scans where you can download stuff, and made/added a coloring zine.
- I've been working on figuring out how to publish from obsidian to the web for free and finally achieved that on the last day of the month so I get to mention it in this post. I'm still working on the project for that.
I deleted 2/3 Instagram accounts.
- "Why did you have so many?" I started with a private account where I only follow people I know and share faces and locations but then I wanted to be able to share my creative side and my art more publicly. Then I got Zenny she also needed an account for my 600 pictures a day.
- I've been moving towards having this website replace the art account and Zenny's site would give me a funnel to share my cute cat pictures. The changes meta made were a nice catalyst to actually do it. I have to say, my head feels a lot clearer. I am interested in removing more social media from my life.
- I haven't deleted the private account yet because of my social media break; I want to make sure I connect with everybody first.
Things that need improvement:
I have not learned anything new about HTML or web development since 2016 (probably before that honestly since I was lazily using WordPress templates for a long time) and I am so far out of the loop that it makes me feel old. I feel like I can't join in any conversations about solutions for things and I wish I could.
- I need to get my standards up to date, especially for accessibility.
- I need to figure out where the conversations on my level are happening so I can read those conversations and learn that way. Like I know more than "beginners HTML" but I don't know much of the foundational stuff that changed in the last decade+, so I guess maybe I'll start there.
I'm actually not doing very well with my social media break.
- I tricked myself into thinking I was doing well because I was taking a break from the apps that I used very often at the time, but then I started increasing usage of other sites instead.
- I still spent less than 30 hours total on social media the entire month so that's pretty good, but the goal was to eliminate entirely.
- I'm rededicating in February, but I'm also starting to think that targeting social media doesn't fix everything I'm trying to take a break from (it does fix a lot). I haven't quite pinpointed what that feeling means, but I am excited that I seem to be learning something from this break!
I have let my anxiety take over. I haven't been taking my meds regularly.
- Last time I went to get an assessment the psychiatrist wrote me that I was recovered from anxiety and depression and it's almost like my brain was like: Oh yeah? wanna bet?
- I'm off routine majorly this month and it's been hard to keep up with the basics of my life system, the very bare minimum things that I need to do to function like taking my medicine and eating and drinking water.
- It's hard not to feel defeated. Like what really is the point of anything? but today I got some fruit and I remembered that fresh fruit it's the point of everything. (A lot of little things are the point of everything.)
Listen, not everyone needs my opinion.
- If something gets longer than one or two paragraphs, maybe I shouldn't comment. Maybe I should fucking journal about it instead. Maybe I should do something else and stop getting so invested all the time.
- I need to get better at communication before I engage in this way. As much as I feel like I'm having a friendly discussion, it does not come off that way. When I get better at communication and presenting my ideas clearly, then I can do this. Otherwise I'm just adding mess and that's not helping anyone.
- Going back to that one paragraph thing, it's not that I should stop sharing knowledge it's just that I should be more tactful. If they want more information we can have a discussion, but I don't need to bring it all up at the beginning. This also means that I'm going to have to articulate myself better which helps a lot with the part where people don't understand what I'm saying.
If I'm upset I shouldn't drive.
- I like driving but it does not help when other people seem to be trying to kill me while I'm doing things that I like.
- Driving is usually one of my self-care activities but if I'm already angry it just increases that anger. There's a time and place for that, driving angry is not cool.
Here's a daily journal for today too, as a bonus.
I've been having a bad weekend and couple of weeks like everybody and I had an emotional flare up really hard this morning while experiencing imposter syndrome about writing and sharing online. (I don't know how else to explain a moment of intense feelings that I cannot escape.)
@plushspace commented on my weepy NeoCities posts and told me about the DBT technique called opposite action. With this method, you acknowledge your emotion, acknowledge the urge that you have as a result of that emotion, and then you do something opposite. I just started reading about it today so I'm not an expert but I wanted to try it.
My urge was to delete my entire internet presence and become antisocial, so instead I went to a public place and talked to people. It was incredible.
Honestly, it did not help that I had to be around other drivers. That did not help at all. But the part where I interacted with a stranger and smiled when he made a joke and felt real again was incredibly healing. I'll never talk to that guy again. I'll never see the person whose outfit I complimented. They were wearing a blue top with a deep purple velvet skirt and high boots. It was so stunning and caught my attention immediately. Accents of white and pearl accessories decorated their hair. I also! said hello to a dog! She was a 9 year old corgi named Lady and I didn't catch any information at all about her owner.
These were random social interactions in public that I initiated to do the opposite of what I wanted to do, which was disappear completely from everyone's lives (not in a death way, more a quietly go invisible way).
For each of them, I asked their pronouns because I knew I was going to write about it later. When I came home, I saw that @emilynhoward had also left kind words and thoughts to remember. As I write this I realize: it has to go full circle. This is when I revisit the moment and feel it again and integrate that thought and benefit into my emotional processing. The writing component is vital. It's there for the reading component. I can now read this entry in 3 months and remind myself of something that worked.
So maybe sometimes I get a little bit of imposter syndrome about how useful my writing is for others, but I should remember that regardless it is useful to me. (Here in my place on the web that people choose to read.)
(As a side note, it was weirdly scary and thrilling to ask for pronouns from strangers like that. Nobody skipped a beat.)
