This week I'm noticing my patterns a little more and how I get started on things. For context, I've been on this late-diagnosis mental adventure for a few months now after getting diagnosed autistic with high support needs in July.

I'm 40, so there's a lot to unpack here, especially because I scored 6/6 on the ADHD quick test but apparently based on every other test I scored incredibly low for ADHD. The autism wasn't a surprise ("high support needs" was but after some reflection it does make sense), but the non-ADHD was.

I don't think about it much. I think what matters most to me is the validation of testing neurodivergent, and therefore by definition this world was not made for me and the way I operate. The diagnosis shed a lot of the pressure I felt about external expectations. It turns out those don't apply to me, thanks though!

Meme: Boromir from Lord of the Rings. The meme text reads One does not simply say thank you without a meme

My entire life I've had trouble getting started. Since I started taking Strattera, it's been a little easier to get things going. The many other factors take stage like getting enough sleep, eating enough, moving enough. And of course I've only been taking the meds for a few weeks, so the consistency may not have settled in yet. The morning nausea has, though.

New medicines can be scary, especially one that has a side effect of tremors. (I have essential tremor, which means I have tremors 24/7 already and if there's a side effect of tremors then mine might get worse which can be debilitating.) It seems that as long as I cut down my caffeine intake, it's fine. I went from 3-5 cups a week to 1/week. (I couldn't have it much anyway due to that tremor.) It's an adjustment, mostly because I enjoy my morning drink buffet and now there's one less drink.

Good thing it's eggnog season though! I am here for a morning cup of eggnog.

Meme: The most interesting man in the universe. The meme text reads I don't usually drink eggnog... but when I do it's in December because that's the only time you can get it

Transitions are always a struggle for me, both in life overall and also when it comes to getting out of bed. When I finally did, I came into the living room to eat and drink some water and miss coffee. For a moment I found myself laying on the couch with my phone on my chest scrolling through Instagram and I thought – is this how I want to spend my morning? I moved to a game instead thinking: at least this is intellectually stimulating.

Before I fell asleep last night I thought of all the shit I have to take care of before I leave the house today, but it's going to be a highly stimulating afternoon/evening so I also need to make sure I get enough silence and rest. I planned it so I could do both, then this morning Zenny and I cuddled in bed for 2 hours instead. (No regrets.)

I finally made it out here and then I slipped immediately into the "routine," the easy way out of experiencing an actual day or taking care of myself. I opened Wordfeud but immediately thought to myself: "I could easily spend 45 minutes getting through my round of turns, do I want to do this right now?"

I decided to use this superpower of observation and self-awareness to open my laptop instead and that is why we are here today, together, doing this instead of the things I have to do before I leave today.

Here's what I needed to focus on writing this snippet of my experience:

The hardest thing on that list was putting down my phone because that is what my current routine is and I feel like I am betraying myself. I have a streak in this routine, I'm so good at it! What will I miss? What if I think of something funny or interesting and my phone isn't in my hands to write it down so I'll definitely forget it? What else can I do that is as interesting and fun as these tiny little icons and graphics and this little glowing screen? What else in my life could POSSIBLY BE more fun than that? What if my Wordfeud partners need me to play so they can get through their day easier by playing Wordfeud?

This is how you break that routine: Close the app, take care of your social needs, then put the phone away. You're done with it, and by the way, you don't need to be engaged in something that is interesting and fun every second of the day! In fact it is not good for you!

Twitter dark mode screenshot from user @OMGImAutisticAF. The text reads 'Why do you need a label?' Bc there is comfort in knowing you are a normal zebra, not a strange horse. Bc you can't find community w other zebras if you don't know you belong. And bc it is impossible for a zebra to be happy or healthy spending its life feeling like a failed horse

It's interesting to see how my "adventures" in understanding myself in my new/updated context mingle so much with how I'm choosing to spend my time and where I am putting my focus and attention. I honestly didn't know what to expect from this medicine, and I find it incredible what this + my current regime of pills (3 in the morning, 3 at night) have done for me lately. Is "where you put your attention" who you are? That feels ableist. What about people with dementia?

I'm updating websites, writing a lot more, doodling, writing letters, keeping my house tidy, taking care of myself better, all somewhat inconsistently still but at least more often than I did in the past. I'm taking more walks again (one of my big joys in life). I'm engaging in the seasons again. I called the plumber after avoiding that for 8 months! I make this "who am I?" joke sometimes but what I'm coming around to is: this, this is who I am. I'm moving at a pace that I haven't moved in years and I know that I could do even more than I'm doing now if I learned how to harness it.

This brings me back to an insecurity (maybe a fear?) I had before I went for diagnosis: What if I do all this and I start operating at my "potential" (keeping in mind that's variable depending on energy levels and such)? What if I feel totally safe and comfortable being myself and thrive? What a scary thought. I don't know why (lol).

I'm starting to see that that outcome could be possible but it's not so scary anymore, now that I understand the change will be incremental and take months if not years to fully develop. Right now I'm still trying to tackle getting the dishes done faster.

Meme: Spongebob looks worried. The meme text reads When you're about to start a new medication and you're thinking this could go well or this could end very, very badly.

It's strange to think about all of the things I've started since I got my diagnosis, all the items I've crossed off from to-do lists that I had collected over months. I gathered them all, prioritized, knocked off the quick stuff, and then once I started the meds it was so easy to take care of the rest – I say, though I'm still getting through it. Some things I crossed off without doing them, they are so old.

My communication with friends, family, and coworkers got better. I started to appreciate the community I've built and the support I've had all these years. I've felt so much shame around asking for help and I had a good crying sesh to mourn the opportunities I've missed to connect and ask for support when I really needed it. I've had several sessions to mourn how much easier my life could have been had I gotten a diagnosis as a child (though I know there are struggles for early diagnosed people too and it would have been a struggle either way).

In my teen years almost all of my friends were online - I had a handful of local friends (we bonded on "being outcasts" but not being the same kind of outcast), but most of my friends were made via websites and message board communities. Imagine if I had known then that I was neurodivergent. Imagine how I could have connected with my community in those formative years! I'm still friends with many of the people I talked to online at 15. We could have grown together. I imagine there is another 40 year old late diagnosed non-binary autistic pal out there thinking the exact same thought. Several of my (offline and online) friends from high school and my mid-20s are late-diagnosed too (we flock together). I had crying sessions for us as we trekked through life lonely and avoidant, not talking to each other about this particular topic, yet sharing our lives.

I think back on relationships I've had and some of it falls into place - love bombing does make sense to me because I also get obsessed up front. The difference is that I only get obsessed with people that I'm going to be obsessed with forever (or until a year after we last saw each other). The supportive and loving relationships that fell apart due to communication issues more than incompatibilities. (It wouldn't have worked out anyway, they all wanted kids and I never did.)

Looking inward, the vast changes to my environment and what I am able to do to take care of myself are the most impressive to me. As someone who usually puts everyone else ahead of themself, I love this era for me. I am prioritizing my well-being and health (physical, cognitive, emotional) and I am working to prevent another major burnout. I have a burn out every 3 years or so and I want that to stop.

A vertical, 2 panel comic. The top panel shows someone who looks hopeful with a yellow blurb that says Being happy and productive for more than 3 days in a row. The bottom panel shows a pink blob tentatively pulling the now nervous-looking person away from the yellow blurb. The pink blob is labeled Autistic Burnout.

I don't know what I'm trying to say with this, though I think it's good to get these thoughts out and post them so they're nicely archived for reference later. I will be interested to see my thoughts on it all in a few months.